After graduating from college at the age of 19, I was so excited to get out there and chase my dream, just to trip and fall flat on my face. College had taught me to dance, had attempted to teach me to sing, and had failed miserably at teaching me how to act and more importantly how to survive in the wild. And trust me no jungle on the planet is more terrifying than a West End audition. Only the perfect specimens who have mastered the art of war paint and hairspray have a chance in hell of surviving. I had stupidly believed that strong technique coupled with versatility would be the deciding criteria. It did not take me long to realise my mistake.

I was 19 but I was still very naïve. Rather than stay and fight by rising to the challenge, I picked the flight mode and ran for the hills. Or in this case, I ran home. But not for the hills of Austria, where I had grown up. That would have almost been sensible and that is not something anyone can accuse me of. No, I ran all the way back to where I had been born. The highvelt also known as Gangsters Paradise, Johannesburg, South Africa. 

I was convinced that this was going to be the change I needed. That I was going to make a life for myself in the motherland. As it was so far from Europe and I had been to one of the best colleges in the world, they would bow down to me, and rather than me having to change and evolve, I could simply change location. Well, this may come as a shock, but life doesn’t work that way. After a few Auditions, in fact, if I remember correctly, it was one Audition, I packed my bags and scrambled back to Europe.

6 weeks, I lasted a sum total of 6 weeks. At the time I felt a little humiliated. I didn’t yet understand that although my motives had been a disaster, I had done something. Rather than sit in a corner and complain like so many people do, I had actually done something. It had been something stupid and pointless, but I had done it, I had tried, and I had failed. But what is most significant about this 6-week fiasco is that I had learned something. I may not have seen it or had any idea whatsoever what it was, but I had grown and evolved.  

Once back, I focused once more on going to scary auditions. Dealing with the constant rejection they inevitably brought with them. Needless to say, I also had to find a way to survive and pay the bills. After a rather challenging 2 weeks of working in a Pub with a Manager who unsuccessfully tried to seduce me, I got a job at a nightclub. I was broke since the manager’s shattered ego had resulted in his refusal to pay me for my 2 weeks of hard labour.

The following 2 years were a blur of moving around and making all the wrong decisions. I felt like a dropout loser who was simply not living up to her potential. I was failing at my career because I could never manage to do more than 2 auditions before giving up. This was partly due to the rejection and partly due to the fact that I was working all hours to survive financially. Perhaps that was also just an excuse. I was terrified of success. After all, if I achieved my goal, which had somehow always seemed like a fantasy rather than an actual achievable goal, then what would I do next? 

I also felt like I was failing at life! It was a dark time for me, but it was also necessary. It forced me to grow up and start finding my own way, away from the person I saw myself as. Charles Cooley said, “I am not who I think I am, I am not who you think I am, I am who I think you think I am.” I believed that people saw me as not quite good enough, not quite thin enough, and quite frankly not quite anything enough. I was a blank canvas that had been left in a corner! Nobody was interested in me as I had nothing to say. It was time for me to discover the real me.  

It was now autumn 2001 and I was working in a club in London. Early in the evening before the customers arrived, I would hang out at the bar with a girl from Australia. Her name was Josie. I learnt a lot from her. She was an adventurer and didn’t care what people thought of her. One evening she told me about a unique ice cream shop that could only be found in Queensland. You could choose a flavour of ice cream and add candy or sauces. They would mix it all up into a flavour of its own.

Like so many times before, I said that I would love to see Australia. I then used the usual excuse for not doing so: But it is so far away! Her response has remained in my mind ever since. “If you think about it, it is one day of discomfort to discover a whole new world”. This made me realise two things. Firstly, I had just said that I wanted to go, not because I really did, but because I felt like that was what I should say, and secondly that she was right.  

The following day I booked my flight and organised my visa. A few weeks later, I packed my bag, headed to London Heathrow Airport, and got on a Thai Airways flight to Melbourne Australia via Bangkok. This trip would be my first step to painting my canvas. The foundation upon which I could start to paint the picture. A picture that would not only represent my personality but also every experience that would change me, teach me and mould me. It made me not only step out of my comfort zone but obliterate it altogether.

I was about to meet some of the people who would change me forever, see me for who I was, long before I was able to see it myself. I would experience highs above anything I could have imagined. Feel things that had so far eluded me and discover a world many people never get to even glimpse.

Three months from the day I stepped onto that plane, I would return having finally had the courage to take that paintbrush and start painting. Unafraid of whether or not people would like what I was painting. There were times when even I didn’t like what I was painting, but then it was up to me to change direction. To change what I didn’t like into something I could be proud of.

Your painting isn’t complete and final until the day you die, and even then, I am sure the outcome is negotiable. The trick is to never put the canvas back in the corner, believing that it is too late to change as the paint has already dried. You may not be able to undo some things. But you can always transform them into something better and more beautiful.